Last year, a visitor said to me, "I decided to have a cat." It sounds like this is just a common move. When it comes to others, I don’t think there is anything to be surprised about. But for her, who was difficult to enter the...
Last year, a visitor said to me, "I decided to have a cat." It sounds like this is just a common move. When it comes to others, I don’t think there is anything to be surprised about. But for her, who was difficult to enter the intimate relationship, this decision made me hear the sound of her strong inner wall opening a little. After consultation, she shared with me about raising cats, and I saw her growing up. After raising a cat for half a year, her attachment trauma seemed to have received some soothing. She met someone she liked and entered into an intimate relationship with that person. When you see this, you may be curious - the link to pets is really so magical? Will our lives really be better with pets? Today, I want to talk about the psychological significance of pets to humans.
Unconditional positive attention Perhaps only pets can tell you the stories of people and pets. I will think of the first thing I can do about the "Stray Cat Bob" that cures many people. Every time I watch this movie, I will sigh again:
The healing of a pet is not just a companionship, its love can even evoke a person's motivation to change. The main characters of the movie are an orange cat and a man. Bob is a stray cat, without a owner, and often goes hungry. A man is a homeless man, has no place to live, and is addicted to drugs, which is disliked by everyone. When this man met this orange cat, everything began to change quietly.
The man moved into the rescue room, and the orange cat sneaked in from the kitchen window. Instead of driving the orange cat away, the man fed it and allowed it to sleep in his bed.
The next day, the orange cat came to look for the man again, with blood marks on his body. The man took the orange cat to see the doctor, and he also used the only meal money on him to pay for the medicine. The orange cat was cured and the man wanted to send it away, but the orange cat didn't leave. He followed the man tightly and accompanied him to sing.
So the man became the owner of the orange cat and named it Bob. After Bob's company, the man completely quit drugs, found a job, and walked out of the abyss of down-and-out. This is a real story, and later Bob became popular, and its story with men was written into books and made into movies. Why did the appearance of a cat bring such a big change to this man? In fact, cats and dogs are purer than humans, and can provide long-lasting companionship and unconditional love.
They do not judge, are not greedy, do not demand, do not over-request, and do not have a erotic vision. As the British poet Eliot said, "Animals are the closest friends. They never ask questions or blame them." In "The Sticked Cat Bob", a man is addicted to drugs, and even his father dislikes him. But in Bob's eyes, if he is hungry, the man will give him food; if he is sick, the man will take him to see a doctor. These are enough for it to trust and love this man, even if he is tortured to the point of being unhealthy, it will accompany him affectionately.
When a person is abandoned, ignored and forced to the edge in a complex human world, he needs this kind of "love without evaluation". In other words, each of us longs for this kind of love deep down. But the human emotional world is full of temptation, competition, and comparison. This kind of love is too difficult to find, and pets generously give us.
No matter whether you are successful or failed today, delicate or sloppy, happy or painful, there will always be a pair of eyes watching you affectionately, and there will always be a small figure following you closely. This is so precious. It is very close to what humanistic psychologist Carl Rogers calls "unconditional positive concern". When a person receives unconditional positive attention, he will feel that he is accepted and loved, and he can also confirm his own value. The men in the movie have never felt this in their parents or people around them.
But Bob's company and love for him made him realize that no matter how bad he is in the eyes of others, he is still worthy of being loved and needed. It is this confirmation that gives men more hope and courage to change their lives.
There is a kind of healing that is not "being loved", but "love" If humans only get it from pets, then the healing power of pets will not be so profound. It is precisely because we "get" and "giving" that our relationship with our pets becomes more powerful.
I have a friend who was fostered at her grandmother's house since she was a child and had a strange relationship with her parents. When she grew up, she was very afraid of intimate relationships. She always felt that she was incomplete inside. She likes cats and dogs very much, but she doesn't keep them. She has many reasons: for example, she often moves and works overtime.
There is another most important reason, she dare not love— How can a broken person love another creature? Later, two major events happened in her life: falling in love and raising a cat. After falling in love, even though her boyfriend was very gentle, she experienced the feeling of being loved, and her state has not changed much.
After raising a cat, she changed a lot. Her eyebrows no longer had a sad look, and she no longer moved or changed jobs. She even became closer because she often took her cat to her boyfriend's house.. Why does it seem that she has gained more energy in cats? This is because in a romantic relationship, she is often just the person who is "loved". She carefully confirmed that she was loved, which of course was very healing. But her inner timidity was not broken through, and her sense of incompleteness was not fully seen.
She could not express her inner desire for love to her boyfriend. She knew that no matter how gentle her boyfriend was, she could not meet this need, and no one could satisfy her. The process of raising a cat, she "takes the initiative to love". It is not only to love this little animal, but also to love the child in your heart who has not received the care of his parents. She has a low salary, but she is willing to spend money to buy good cat food, and takes care of the kitten every day as if she is taking care of her children. A few months later, the thin kitten grew white and fat, not afraid of being angry, and was particularly clingy. My friend was very satisfied. When he watched the cat grow up day by day, his inner incompleteness seemed to heal.
Because, getting love is a kind of healing, and taking the initiative to love is even more a kind of healing. In the action of taking the initiative to love, we see the other person’s needs and assume the responsibility of caring for others. We overcome our inner fears and have a real connection with the world.
The most important thing is that we find that our hearts have the ability to love.
As psychoanalyst Fromm said— Love is mainly about giving rather than receiving. Giving is happier than receiving, because the act of giving represents the existence of my life. It is in the act of giving that I experience my strength, my abundance, my ability.
Pets are also a mirror that reflects the side of our unsafe attachment Whether it is the unconditional positive attention of pets to us or the learning of love through pets, it confirms the side of our safe attachment. However, not everyone can get such healing by keeping pets, and many people will experience a difficult time at first.
This process also exposes the insecure side of our relationship attachment. First of all, it shows high "anxiety" in attachment relationships. People with high anxiety will be overly worried about their pet safety and have too strong possessiveness to their pets. show extreme emotional reactions when their pets die, and may use excessive love for pets to avoid social relations. I once heard a visiting story and I remember it deeply. This visit has a dog, and most of the time I love it very much. But every time she goes home and finds that the dog doesn't come to greet her, she will be very injured and run back to the room in a depressed mood.
And when she found the dog stickier to her mother, she was angry and wanted to send the dog away. This dog did not heal her, but instead deepened her anxiety.
She is equally anxious in a romantic relationship. As long as her boyfriend does not reply to the message in time, she will bombard her boyfriend in a series of ways. Behind the anxiety is the fear of losing. You must repeatedly confirm that you have obtained and hold the love tightly before you feel safe.
Secondly, it shows a high "avoidance" in attachment relationships. People with high avoidance do not feel intimate about their pets and will not be sad about their pets leaving. One of my visiting and my girlfriend had a cat. When I was raising a cat, he and the cat were not very close. After breaking up, my girlfriend took the cat away, and he was not very sad. Later, he never saw the cat again. He said he didn't care that much, but actually he deliberately didn't care.
Because of fear of being hurt, I avoid emotionally early and will not bear the pain of loss. Whether it is showing anxiety or avoidance, it means that you lack a sense of security in your heart and regard love as a dangerous thing. Here, the relationship between a person and a pet will become a mirror- See what difficulties we may have, what obstacles and unsolved complexes we have on the issue of attachment relationships.
When you don’t have the courage to love someone, you might as well practice how to love your pets first Perhaps in the close relationship with people, we don’t have much courage to love, nor do we have much chance to try and make mistakes.
But in our intimate relationship with our pets, we have a lot of time. Pets are far more patient than humans and far more flexible than what humans think. When you can't love someone without reservation, you can try to love your pet first and establish a safe attachment to your pet. When you want to love someone safely, you will avoid certain obstacles. I have summarized two keys for your reference:
Go and see the unconditional love of pets for you When you see how pets focus on you, how to actively pay attention to you and love you, the deepest ice in our hearts built by insecurity and defense will naturally melt. Tell me a story here. When I first fell in love, I felt insecure.
My boyfriend has a dog. I don’t like dogs very much, so I feel cold every time I see it. Later we lived together, and dogs became a part of my life.
At first I would complain that dogs were too troublesome, but I didn’t expect that now I have regarded it as a “son”. This change is because I confirm that it loves me very much - It always jumps on me when I go home; as long as I am at home, it will not sleep well every time I sleep, and when I am together, it will jump up and keep up; It has never resented my coldness towards it, nor has it given up love and pleasing me, even if I am an iron man, I will be moved.
Now I am no longer the person who was afraid of love.. The trouble of raising a dog has also become a sweet burden. Although I will nag a few words when I have to walk the dog very late every day, I am willing to do so. So, when we open ourselves to see the pet’s love for us, we will find that love is not that dangerous, but something we desire and can give.
Wasting time with your pet This sentence sounds strange, but it is useful.
The time you spend with your pet will never be wasted, because pets are not only our source of healing, but also a good learning object. Baudelaire said: "You can read time from the eyes of a cat." I want to say: Keep a cat and learn to live with time leisurely, rather than racing against time.
People who have raised cats may have a deep understanding that cats are a very magical creature with their own rhythm of life, will not accommodate their masters, nor will they be disturbed by their masters. The sky is about to fall, and they have to sleep in, and then they will be dazed in the sun.
And people, they run around for their goals every day, chasing time. Maybe you get a lot from the outside, but you lose the wisdom to enjoy life. Every time I am very anxious, I will stop and pet cats, play with them, or just observe their every move, and then my heart can quickly calm down. Cats have become my inner power banks.
The more charge I charge on them, the deeper my love for them and the deeper my love for life.
Therefore, don't be stingy with your pets to "waste" your time. These times may heal us more than accomplishing one goal.
